you got jokes?

[reaper239]

how many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb?
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it's a pretty obscure number, you've prolly never heard of it.

[usmcludwig]

One day a Jew walks into a bar and buys it.

[reaper239]

two guys walk into a bar. the third one ducks.

[Luna Guardian]

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?

Nail it's other hand to the floor

[Teethingbiscuit]

gasp* Luna! ha ha
Woman wants a beauty treatment and calls the dairy. She orders enough milk for a milk bath. They asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
Lady replies, "No, just up to my tits."

Teeth

[usmcludwig]

So there I was...BALLS DEEP in HIS ass....

[nikvoodoo]

Two peanuts were walking down the street in a rough neighborhood.

One was A Salted.

[reaper239]

someone saw a salt shaker with a knife and called the cops to report a salt with a deadly weapon

[Luna Guardian]

How do you make an apple puff?

Chase it around the orchid

[reaper239]

not a joke but funny anyway:
so i'm in the parking lot of a strip mall, in a line of cars to leave, when i see this guy. let me describe him for you: mid 40's; collard, long sleeve, button up shirt; sweater vest; business casual slacks; lime green converse sneakers. yeah, let me say that again: lime green converse sneakers. i was stupified. i wanted to ask him, "what are you supposed to be, some mealy-mouthed teenager?" i'm still reeling from the sight.

[Austin king]

What do you call annoying vampire? A pain in the neck

[nikvoodoo]

What do you call annoying vampire? A pain in the neck

You misspelled Robert Pattison's name....

[usmcludwig]

dude- one time I came to base with my friend, drunk and driving and still a little faded from the hookah lounge and we get to the gate, I'm the passenger and I looked and was FUCKED UP

The gate guard says where were yall- my friend said- "O we saw that movie...with the cop, ya know?"

and they are like "hey, ya hear that, they saw that movie...with the cop in it!"

was fuckin hysterical in retrospect, dont know why I didn't start my DWI's back then lmfao

[usmcludwig]

You misspelled Robert Pattison's name....

where is the "love" button when ya need it lmfao

[Teethingbiscuit]

These two snails get mugged in an alley by a couple turtles. Cops asked them to describe the assailants. The snails replied, "I... I don't know. It all happened so fast!"
Teeth

[mathuect]

Three midgets are walking down the street and see the Guinness Book of Records building. They go in deciding to try to break a record.

First one walks up and gets tested for the smallest feet in the world.
Second for the smallest hands in the world.
Third one, rather embarassed, for the smallest penis in the world.

First comes out jumping for joy. He has the smallest feet in the world!
Second comes out clapping wildly. He has the smallest hands in the world.
Third one comes out hanging his head. He walks up to the others and says "Who the fuck is Robert Pattison?"

[mem]

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says ‘What the hell was that all about?”

[AdrianHD]

Why do they call PMS "Premenstrual syndrome?"

Because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken...

I <3 you all and truly do not mean this to any women who may be reading it. Also that's by far the most 'appropriate' joke I have.

[reaper239]

did you know that the disciples carpooled? it says so in the bible, they were all in one accord. uber cheesy

[mem]

A New York fellow, while traveling through a small town in Georgia, saw a nativity scene at a local Baptist Church that was quite unique. The three wise men were wearing fireman's helmets!
He stopped at a coffee shop at the edge of town, and asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at him, "You dang Yankees never do read the Bible!"
He assured her that he did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.
She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in his face she said "See, it says right here, 'The three wise men came from afar"

[reaper239]

you know you've played too many video games when you're in bed, having trouble getting it up, so you reach for the viagra and exclaim, "grabbing pills here."

http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/50289_308306134060_2349586_n.jpg

[MancheeLivesOn]

Confucius say...

Baseball wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk.

Confucius also say...

Virginity like bubble. One prick and its gone.

Confucius finally add on...

Secretary not permanant fixture until screwed on top of desk.

[reaper239]

confucious say, man who walk sideways on airplane going to bangkok

confucious say, man who yell at screen door strain voice

a man moved to alaska and one morning woke to a strange sound on the roof. he got up and walked outside, and there on the roof was a sleeping bear. he went inside and grabbed the yellow pages and sure enough, there was bear removal. so he placed the call and two hours later the bear remover shows up. he gets out of his truck and grabs a bat, a shotgun, a ladder, and a pitbull from the back. the home owner, curious, asks, "how is this going to work?" the bear remover sets the laddre against the house, "well, i'll go up and knock that bear down with the baseball bat. when he hits the ground, that dog is trained to grab his nuts and not let go until he passes out, then i put him in a cage." the owner points to the shotgun, "so what's the gun for?" the remover hands him the shotgun, "if the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[reaper239]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzOk97puznE&feature=bf_next&list=SL&lf=list_related

[Lady McHaggis]

The only two jokes I know.....

Ever smell moth balls?
Me neither, I can never get their little legs apart.

What did the zombie say after eating the Vegan?
Grrrraaaaaaaiiiiiiinnnnnssssssss!

[shric debar]

i had a horse move in nextdoor to me the other day. he's my neigh-bour.

i saw a baby sheep coverd in plastic on my way to work... lamb-inated

i used to have stars on the heels of my boots but i took them off, spur of the moment.

[reaper239]

1429

[Teej]

why does a chicken coop have 2 doors......................if it had 4 it would be a chicken sedan

how many congress people does it take to change a light bulb...................trick question, we all know no amount of congress can get anything done

why did the chicken cross the road..................to prove to the armadillo it could be done

what does John the baptist have in common with winnie the pooh have in common.................same middle name

[random_highjinx]

What's black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white and black and white?

A penguin rolling down a hill.

What's black and white and laughing?

The penguin that pushed him. *da dun dun ksh*

[Adventureless_Hero]

On my flight back home my plane had to be grounded early as a baby would not stop crying.



He was arrested under suspicion of being a member of Al-Cried-Ah. :meh:

[reaper239]

On my flight back home my plane had to be grounded early as a baby would not stop crying.



He was arrested under suspicion of being a member of Al-Cried-Ah. :meh:

wow, i have never wanted to smack my computer so bad in my life.